There is comfort in the normal, at least for me. I am talking about a normal routine of the days with knowing what is coming and what is expected. Of having things scheduled that are fun and items to look forward to. And, life returning to normal. We aren’t quite there but every day leads us closer to a happy new normal.
It has been a lot to adjust to. We are doing our best, failing at some things, having success in other things, and continuing to move forward. Two in our family instead of three is just one of many factors that we are dealing with.
Although it has been 1 year and 4 months since my husband passed away, it seems like yesterday in some ways. I still want to talk with him and see him again. I still want to hear his voice, his laugh, and something about his day. I still want him here and probably always will. And, I still don’t understand why this happened to him, to us, and to all who loved him.
Some people may think that I should be past it more than I am. But, when you wake up every single morning knowing you won’t see your life partner again, it is hard. Many days I am fine and remember him fondly and with happiness. Yet there are other days when all I can think about is everything that he will miss and not be a part of.
As Vanessa Bryant stated during her eulogy for her husband Kobe and daughter Gianna, there are things that she will never get to see her child do or experience as well as her husband. I can totally relate to that. It saddens me to think that Kirk isn’t here to see his son graduate from high school, or get married, or have kids. He doesn’t get to see his nieces and nephews and their children grow up.
He isn’t here for Ian to talk to as he goes through all of the changes of becoming a teenager. He isn’t here to comfort him when he is hurt or upset. He isn’t here to help him laugh in the way that only he could. He isn’t here for a challenging homework assignment. He isn’t here for family vacations or family game night or to see a new movie.
He isn’t here for the latest Lego build, latest story or idea. And, in a few months, he will not be here for Ian’s chorus concert. Yet, I know he is always with Ian and with me, just in a very different way. And, he certainly is part of the reason that our son is such a great young man.
At times this causes me a lot of pain and anguish and tears. But, I still have to continue on, live life, be there to enjoy times with our family and friends, and show up for Ian and other loved ones. I try to remember that I am strengthened by a man who loved me for 20 years until death parted us. What a blessing that is.
On a good day, I can focus on the fact that I am still here for all of these things. I am here to be Ian’s champion, confidant, mother, and to love him with all that I have and am. I know that he loves his dad and can carry their bond and relationship throughout his life. He also misses his dad but does grab life every day and makes the most of it. I am learning so much from him.
Since emotions have been all over the place a lot lately, the times that life is normal are comforting and special. I am talking about waking up, getting ready for school, making breakfast for Ian, talking with him on the drive to school each morning, then coming home for my routine before starting work in the home office.
I am enjoying my cups of coffee or tea with cream, my oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, watching a recorded show or the morning news show. I then have some time to think, pray, and read a passage from my book of inspiration in dealing with grief. And sometimes a walk before all of that starts or an afternoon walk.
I then am working and staying busy. Then when Ian comes home from school, we talk about his day, he tells me something that happened or an idea that he has, he has a snack, and then we talk about homework. He has a short break and then gets to work. I try to help him as much as I can. My blessing is that I can work at home and be in the same room with him while he is doing that.
Normal also is reading a book from the library, going to church and then lunch with my parents, watching a movie or TV show, seeing friends and laughing over a meal, attending a baby shower or birthday party, having time with family, going to a store to buy what we need and occasionally the special treat, and exercising.
Since Kirk’s death, there are a lot of days when I haven’t felt like myself, or things haven’t been normal. I am dealing with so much that we did together and that has taken time to adjust. Each day, I have something that I am trying to accomplish. There have been days when all I could do was get dressed and get Ian to school.
I have realized that I took for granted some things that Kirk did for me and for our family. He helped in so many ways that I would sometimes fuss about. Now I think, why did I waste that time with him instead of appreciate it? I suppose that is normal, but I don’t like that I did what I did.
Today, I am thankful for:
- The gorgeous sunrise I enjoyed on the way to the grocery store on Monday morning (It is the photo at the top of this blog)
- Sun peaking through the fog this morning
- Our upcoming spring break with a business trip and opportunity to see some friends and family
- Some days at home where we can work on projects
- An interesting library book
- My son, my parents, in-laws, friends, and family who have our backs and love us unconditionally. We love them the same
- My prayer group friends
- Having more days when I don’t feel sad or lost, but instead happy and hopeful for Ian and for me as we press on
May God bless you and help you whether your life is normal or not.