On The Last 90 Days

It is amazing to think it has been three months / 90 days since my love passed away.  Each day since that happened  I have missed him so much. But, also each day, I try to remember our life together and our memories.

I carry on the best I can for myself and our son who I pray has a long life ahead of him. Some days are much harder than others. I had a very hard time getting settled for bed last night. As I have mentioned before, Monday’s are still the worst since that was the day of.

Not only am I wrestling with the loss, but I am also scared of something happening to me, or worrying about things that my love used to do that now fall to me, or having to be both parents for our son, or not being the friend or family member that I want to be to those who have reached out and helped us so much.

Our son and I do miss him. We also very much enjoy talking about him and laughing about our favorite stories and our family jokes. We also like looking at the photos.  Thankfully I took a ton of these throughout our life together. We cry and give each other  comfort.

Still the pain is real and raw.  After all, we had 20 years together. We were together or tried our best to talk every day. It didn’t always happen when he was on business trips, but we did try. We were privileged to have more than 7,300 days together.

As hard as it is right now, I wouldn’t trade that time with him for anything. The cost of true and real love is loss and pain when that love leaves. Those days enriched my life and blessed me in so many ways. I hope it did for him as well.

Last night, I listened to a voice mail from him that I didn’t remember that I had. It was only 14 seconds long but so very special. He had a lovely low voice and could have had a career on the radio or in voice over work. I miss that so very much.

I expected to grow old with him. I expected more time together. I expected one last conversation, but sadly that was not to be. For some reason that I still do not understand, the Lord had something else in mind. I don’t know when or if I ever will.

Right now, I am trying to focus on all the things that have to be taken care of in the aftermath of such a loss. I am figuring out my future, and the future for our son and myself. I have plenty to take care of since my love was the one did so much to help around the house. He was much neater than I was/am. He was the one who took care of the bills and repairs, and so much more.

So each day, I try to do something towards these goals and realize that I will get there. I do feel like I should be doing more but some days, I just want to cry and sit and think about my memories. So, I try to do that, then wipe the tears, and tackle the project, or read, or do some work, or help our son with homework, or watch a favorite program.

Just please do not tell me it is time to get over it. I am not ready since the pain of him no longer being here is still so fresh and raw. I still want to talk with him, feel a hug, share a kiss, laugh with him over a favorite movie, joke, or story. I still want to wake up next to him in the morning. I want to see him at his place on the couch or at the table.

I like to think that I didn’t take him for granted but I think that I did at times. One doesn’t expect a sudden loss like this. We expect instead that we will see each other the next time. We expect to take that vacation in a year and are excited about it. We expect to have a chance to say all that needs to be said.

Thankfully, we had a great few days with the three of us together before this happened.  We took pictures and we loved and laughed together. We didn’t have a knock down drag out fight, but instead had a disagreement that we then apologized for. That in itself is a huge blessing since I don’t have major guilt.

My hope and prayer is for all of us to cherish those we love, to tell one another how much we care and love them, to pray for our loved ones, and to realize that one day we will lose them. I pray that it isn’t devastating or debilitating for us. However, I have to say that there is some of that and it is part of the journey of grief and loss.

Whether we lose a spouse, a child, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a friend, a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, a co-worker, or other relation, it hurts and life is never the same. My prayer is that we savor and celebrate those relationships while we can. Let’s make the most of our time that we have together.

Let’s not hold grudges or hate inside. Let’s forgive instead. Let’s spend time together as much as we can. Let’s remember to say that we love that other person. Let’s also have those hard discussions on how to run the household and pay the bills and take care of each other.

Let’s discuss the end of life wishes that our loved ones have and that we have. And when we do suffer the loss, let’s remember our loved one fondly. Let’s keep them alive with photos, stories, and memories. Let’s be thankful for the time we had with them. And, let’s always, always love.

To those in our life who have reached out and helped, thank you. Thank you for being there when we have needed it the most. Thanks for your love and support. We love you so very much and truly appreciate you.

Five Minute Friday – Empty

Hi and Happy Good Friday.  Today’s Five Minute Friday word is empty, just right for Good Friday.  I haven’t written one of these in a long time.  But, here goes. This image is from Power Point’s clip art.

Empty – our lives can be empty if we have no purpose, no one to care about, don’t love ourselves, or have no support. My hope and prayer is that we all have people to laugh with us during the good times and to be there in the times of sadness, hurt, and struggle. And that we can learn to love ourselves and realize that we are worthy of love, acceptance and caring.

I also think about people who are hungry and have no regular source of food. And those with no clean and safe source of water.  May we help them so they don’t have empty bellies. May we help them so they do not thirst, but instead can safely be nourished and fed.

Empty is also what was found at the tomb on Easter morning — three days after the death of Jesus.  Imagine what that must have been like.  I can picture them thinking, what happened and where did he go?  Did someone steal him?  I imagine they were very puzzled yet amazed at the miracle.

Today is the day we remember the suffering and death that our Lord endured.  He became human and felt all the feelings that we do and learned how we feel in times of happiness, struggle, pain, and loss.  He suffered a brutal death for us.

On Sunday, we celebrate His resurrection and that empty tomb.  The stone was rolled away and He is Risen, He is Risen Indeed, Alleluia!  This is what our faith is all about.

Okay times up.  That five minutes went by fast.  I have a few things to add.

No matter what you believe or celebrate, please remember that you are loved, you are valued, you are important, and you don’t have to be or feel empty.  There are those who will care for you and be there for you.

May you  have a blessed Easter weekend.  For those celebrating Passover, may you be blessed as well.  And, may we never feel empty.  God’s blessings to you!

Prayers, Tears, and Comfort

graceThis morning as I logged into Facebook, I read several things which game me pause — the death of a young child, the pending death of a parent, surgery of a friend, sickness of friends, cancer treatments of family and friends, and other losses.

Tears came to my eyes and I said this prayer, “Lord, please give comfort to this family as only you can, please stretch out your healing hand to those who are sick, help us be a comfort to one another and help as needed, and please watch over us. Amen.”

The child, Patrick, passed away on Saturday.  He wasn’t quite a year old and had been sick with congenital heart disease.  His mother has been writing a blog about his illness, which is very touching.  I didn’t know them very well but this boy’s aunt is a friend of mine from high school.  I also knew her brother, Patrick’s dad.

Another friend has been called in by hospice for her father.  He has been ill and now the family is gathering with him.  It will be time for them to say goodbye.  So hard to lose a parent, no matter how old we are.

Also a dear friend is having another surgery this morning.  She has already had several and hopes this will be the last one and that comfort will be coming soon.  Other friends are sick and having issues, and some are in the midst of chemo treatments.

prayingSo much loss, so much heartache, so many tears, and so much pain.  Yet there is hope and comfort.  Comfort in hugs, comfort in knowing our loved ones will see us through the pain, comfort in prayers, comfort in our faith, comfort in our memories, and comfort in time.

There is an expression that time heals all wounds.  I am not sure if it heals them or if we figure out a way to deal with them as time goes on. Perhaps it is a combination of both.

Here are a few verses of scripture that are especially poignant this morning:

  • Ecclesiastes 3:4 — a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.
  • Psalm 30:5 — Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
  • Matthew 5:4 — Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
  • Philippians 4:7 — And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
  • Psalm 23:4 — Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

May God be with you at the beginning of this new week.  If you are in pain or are suffering loss, may you find comfort.