One of my loved ones posted this, “Drained.” I totally can understand this feeling. Some days I am drained and just cannot get motivated to do anything. Other days, I do things and still can be drained at the end of the day. Thankfully, I also have good days to balance out these hard ones. So, the waves of grief continue for me.
This past weekend was good with dinner out at a favorite pizza place, a few favorite movies and projects, church and singing, family time, several chats and laughs with our son, and a sweet compliment that I looked great. I didn’t expect that but it helped boost me.
The fog of grief is starting to lift and that is a challenge. On good days, I feel like myself again — well almost. Still, I feel like part of me is missing. And, I still want to talk with my loved one and have him answer me back. On the bad days, I cry, scream, rest, and try to figure out a way to carry on.
I have been trying to move along and keep doing all of the stuff that has to be done after a death. I am slow but am getting there. Each time I accomplish something, I have to have some time to process and realize that I did it without him. I am glad that I can but I so wish he was still here to help me.
Last night I was thinking that he shouldn’t have died so young and that it wasn’t actually his time to go. And, yet he did. I still wish I could have done more for him and still feel guilty at times. For whatever reason though, the Lord had something else in mind for him, for me, and for all of us who loved him.
I still have questions and I still don’t understand the why. Not sure I ever will but I am trying to move forward. I am trying for myself and our son who is on this journey with me. We are trying. We often have to regroup, or have to pause, but we are trying.
I also am having some anger about it all and thinking of how unfair it is for me and for our son and our other loved ones. Then I realize that I am not alone in these feelings. I am not alone in these experiences either. People lose their loved ones every day.
My heart goes out to these people. At times this is a comfort to share the grief and the pain with others. At other times, it brings my own pain back to the surface. So, again, that is both up and down. Ups and downs seem to be the way of our lives right now.
Most of the time I can deal with his absence but every once in a while it hits me that he will never again be with us as he was. Today, I am feeling that loss and am missing him so much.
- I miss his laughter
- I miss his smile
- I miss his hugs
- I miss his chats with our son
- I miss sharing a meal with him
- I miss sitting next to him at church
- I miss listening to a favorite song on a CD
- I miss watching a favorite movie with him
- I miss times with family when he was telling jokes
- I miss his voice
- I miss our long talks
Along with what I miss, I keep reminding myself that he is no longer in pain, he is not suffering, and he will be forever young. My faith comforts me in knowing that he is okay. Still, I wanted more time with him.
Since he traveled a lot for work, we had to get used to him not being with us every day. The difference was that we often talked to him. We chatted every day, many times more than once. We stayed connected and spent hours on the phone. I am blessed to have had all of those times with him.
One phone call that comes to mind was when he was traveling and I found out I was pregnant with our son. I told him over the phone and he was blown away. He was on cloud nine and couldn’t believe it. We were blessed to share the pregnancy, birth, and 11 amazing years with our son. For that, I will always be thankful.
My pain and grief has made me realize how thankful I am for all of the times we had together, all of the memories we shared, all of the photos we took (often to my love’s annoyance), all of the laughter we shared, and all of the dreams we had for our future.
Now I continue to cherish every moment with my family and friends. I realize how important it is to celebrate them, to be there when we can, to enjoy our times together, to laugh together, and when we are together, to truly be present.