Today has been a tough one for me and I am not sure why. Today has been a wave of sadness for me with very little ability to concentrate on things. I just haven’t had the energy to do anything despite a long to-do list.
Over the last few days, I have been busy with family, friends, our church, have completed some big projects, and have been taking over many things that my late husband did for us. I am figuring out how to carry on without him and that is still painful.
So, I cried a bit, yelled once or twice, and then decided I was going to take today until Ian got home from school to be sad. I guess I needed to wallow in my pain and misery. I needed to realize that there will be days when that is important to do. And that it is okay to do just that.
Surprisingly it has helped. I watched “Bull” starring an actor that we both liked, the movie “The Book Club” which was quite funny, and Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life. The last is a favorite show of mine. I have probably seen every episode more than once so seeing these last four parts was comforting. Bull took my mind off things and The Book Club helped me laugh.
And, as I was watching these shows, I thought a lot about Kirk, when we met at our church, what he was wearing, how handsome I thought he was, and then how funny and kind he was to me, when he proposed, our wedding, our honeymoon adventures, our first house, when we found out we were expecting Ian, the day our son was born, and so much more.
I also thought about the little things in our life — our routine of me cooking dinner and him cleaning up, our partnership, a few shows that we loved to watch together like Nash Bridges, our regular pizza nights, taco nights, hugs on a Saturday morning, laughter, time with our friends and family, our never-ending pile of laundry, his cars, James Bond movies, travels, and talks.
Those memories are helping me through the pain of his loss. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for four months. I cannot believe that we have gotten up each day and have gone on without him. I am glad we have but it has been a challenge on some days like today.
I also realized how blessed I was to have had him as my partner for all of those years. He was a great father to our son and a wonderful husband and best friend to me. We both believed that the Lord brought us together. He always did the best by us and for that I am forever thankful.
I still wish there was more time with him. I am mad that I didn’t get more. I am mad that I didn’t get to say a final goodbye, or that our son didn’t get that one last hug and word from his father who loved him so very much. I am mad that he won’t get to see Ian graduate from high school or grow up into a fine young man.
Thankfully I have faith and know that we will see Kirk again one day. Also, I believe that he is with us just in a different place. I simply want to look into his eyes again, hold his hands, and receive a wonderful hug. I still want to hear his laughter and smell his cologne that lingered on my clothing after a long hug. I want to see him interact with Ian and laugh with him.
To see these things, I now look at our pictures. We took tons of them which he often made silly faces for or complained about. I am so thankful that we did. There are so many slices of our life that I can remember because of those images and all of my senses.
Now, I need to go help Ian with some homework and focus on dinner and the plans for tomorrow. I hope that after a good night’s rest that I will be ready to get back to my ever-growing list of things to do. Along with this list, I will also take time as I need it.
My prayers for those also grieving. May you take the time to feel the way you need to as the waves of grief come to you. May you have fond memories of your loved ones and no regrets. May you know that they are at peace. Blessings to you.