About patticates247

I love to read, write, take photos, take walks, and wonder about everything. This blog allows me to share my thoughts on a variety of subjects. I wonder as I wander. Please share your thoughts and ideas with me. I'd love to hear from you!

A Jumble of Emotions

On this Maundy Thursday, I am a jumble of emotions. I found a photo that sums that up quite well. I posted that photo from Pieces of Soul on Facebook that said:

“Please know that I am trying the best I can to push myself through the pain, the fatigue, the fog, the insomnia, the guilt, the judgement, and particularly through the fear.” That sums it up quite well along with some funny times and some lovely memories.

The pain continues to come in waves and makes for some hard days. This week I have been working more on paperwork and calls of things that have to be resolved by me, a surviving spouse.  It is hard since these are things that Kirk and I did together and planned for our long-term future. It is hard to continue to realize that is not to be.

Thankfully I am sleeping better than I had been and that is helping with fatigue.  Still I seem to need more sleep that I used to and am still tired in the mornings. I am dreaming more now so the sleep is better and for that I am thankful. I am also dealing with emotional fatigue and the weight of this loss. Some days I can handle that and other days I can’t.

The fog of my brain seems to be lifting and that is good and bad. I am moving out of the shock and having to confront this loss head-on. That is very painful but part of the grieving process. The first week, I could barely answer someone when they asked me a question. I would just stare blankly at people. Now, I can answer, sometimes with crying and sometimes not. So, this is improving.

I still sometimes have insomnia but it isn’t as frequent now.  That is good since I don’t function well without a good night’s sleep.  I still usually wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Sometimes I can easily go back to sleep and other times it is difficult. So, I will then think of all kinds of things — a fun memory, how sad I am, our loss, and so much more.

Guilt is starting to fester for me now and I don’t like it. I continue to wish that I could have done more for him that morning in November. I feel bad that I didn’t call 911 sooner, and wonder if I could have changed something, would he still be here?  I know that a lot of professionals tried to revive him and couldn’t, so I need to have peace with what I did do. Still, the guilt is there.

Judgement is not something I have been feeling yet, other than of myself and what signs I should have seen in him that we could have looked into. Still, I know that he is in a much better place and is no longer having any issues. He is at peace and is in a place of real and unconditional love and grace. And that is a comfort for me.

As far as fear, that is a very real feeling that I am trying to keep under control. Still, many days my fears and worries come up. I worry that something will happen to me and I worry that something will happen to our son. I so want to see him grow into a man, to graduate from high school, to have an amazing life and family of his own. I just hate that his dad won’t be here for those milestones.

It is interesting after a sudden death, the mind plays tricks on you that your fate will be the same. I hope and pray that will not be the case for us, but who knows. In addition, I worry that I cannot handle all of this on my own. I had a team-mate and life partner to go through it all and now he is gone. I am trying and continue to do so, but know I am lacking in so many ways. I just have to make peace with what I can do and try each day to do something.

Along with all of this, our son and I continue to talk, share memories of his dad, laugh about them, laugh about new things, and enjoy being together. The fact that we have each other is such a blessing. And, we have family and friends who have helped us so very much with prayers, with being there, with lunches out, with movies, with chatting, with gifts, and with support. Despite our pain, we are blessed.

Tonight we will be at church for our Maundy Thursday service where we will celebrate the Lord’s Last Supper. On the night he was betrayed, he broke break and shared it with his disciples. They then drank wine together.

At our service, we will partake of the bread and wine together. We will talk about Holy Week and the terrible things that Jesus suffered before his death and resurrection. We will be reminded that he didn’t want this fate but took it on anyway. Talk about love.

On Friday, we will listen to his last words on the cross, and then imagine his death and burial. The church will get dark and everyone will leave quietly and reflect on Good Friday.  And, on Sunday, we will celebrate his triumph.  We have a sunrise service at a local marina that I enjoy attending. The beauty of nature with the beauty of Easter is an amazing blessing.

This year, my love is in Heaven to celebrate this Easter morning miracle. I cry happy tears just thinking about it. And, I expect tears to flow over the next few days. I look forward to singing the amazing songs and remember the importance of them all. I know I will be emotional for this first Easter without Kirk, so I am trying to prepare. Still, I will cry as I need to.

Each Easter, we dressed up and took plenty of pictures. I am so very thankful that we did. This weekend with family and friends, we will take more photos.  And, I expect to have lovely memories with them, have some laughs with loved ones, enjoy those moments together, and live life to the fullest.

May those of you also grieving this Holy Week have hope for brighter days. May you have peace along with the pain. May you know the promise of Easter and life everlasting.  And, may you have love along with the loss.

A Better Day

After a very hard week last week, today is looking better for me. And yesterday was a pretty good day as well. I am thankful to be able to have some light with all of the darkness.  It is very welcome after these last four months/19 weeks that have changed our lives so much.

Yesterday, it poured rain for a while, and then the sun came out. And, it is out again today. Well, with clouds right now, but it is still peaking through.  And that is how I feel today — more happiness seems to be peaking through as well.

After dropping off Ian at school, I walked around our neighborhood for a little while. It was so helpful to do that.  During my walk, I heard birds chirping, saw the flowers in bloom, and noticed trees continuing to bud. I have to be careful with all of this since I have quite a few outdoor allergies, but it was nice to be in nature that is coming back to life again.

I too am trying to do that for myself and for our son. I still have bad days and expect to for quite a while, but I am also having some good ones.  And, I am trying to not feel guilty for that.  Sometimes, I do feel guilty and other times I do not.

I still miss my love with every fiber of my being but it has been sinking in that I have to continue on without him. That has been a very hard realization to come to and then try to live with.  After 20 years together, his absence has gutted me in many ways.  But, since we have our son who is still a boy, I have to use all of my strength, cling to my faith, and carry on.

Both of us still want him here with us.  Both of us loved to laugh with him, to listen to him tell jokes and be silly, to share meals, to pray together, and to have our long weekend chats before starting the day.  But for reasons I still do not understand, that wasn’t to be.

Ian and I both are finding things to keep us busy and keep us motivated. That is helping as well. Still that grief and loss are always there.  I just suppose we are trying to find a way each day to live with it, deal with whatever our feelings are, feel them, and figure out a way to carry on.

As you know from my writings last week, I didn’t know how to move on last week.  I just couldn’t.  And I was okay with that.  At the time, I had to wallow and be sad.  I had to write about it, cry tears, scream, and let it out.  And, surprisingly, that day actually helped me.

Right now I feel like I have little control over my emotions and how I am feeling.  Some days are awful and some days are really good and others are a combination. This morning I woke up thinking, I wonder what we will be doing today.  So that was a sign to me that today would be a good day.

But tomorrow could be awful again.  Thus the waves continue of grief, of pain, of loss, of sorrow, of sadness, of anger, and of life never being the same again.  Along with these are waves of happiness, of a special memory, of a favorite quote or joke that was told, of a picture with smiles and hugs, and special chats with our boy.

The Lenten season was very special to the two of us.  We met each other during that time frame and fell in love. It was a quick courtship but one that both of us knew was destined to be.  We were married later that year and had a wonderful life together.  So, this time is bittersweet.

Easter too has always been very special. I know this year will be hard but I am trying to remember the previous Easter celebrations, look at our photos, and be thankful for the time that we had together.

I know I will cry some but I hope to also laugh and enjoy the time with my family and friends who are still with us.  And I hope that we can take time to remember those we lost. For they enriched our lives and were quite special.

A few things I am thankful for today:

  • A lovely sunrise through the clouds
  • Chatting with Ian on the way to school
  • A quick walk around our neighborhood
  • The loud chirping of birds
  • The vibrant colors of tulips
  • The hundreds of photos that I have taken over the years
  • Our family vacation last summer
  • Books that occupy my mind for a while
  • Favorite songs
  • My coloring book of Bible verses
  • My family and friends
  • My faith

And, this verse which has been hard to read recently.  Deep down though, I know it to be a promise from the Lord.  Jeremiah 29:11 was in a Michael W. Smith song that Kirk and I used to listen to — a lot.  Each time I heard it, it touched me and made me realize that all will be okay.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

May this comfort all of us who are grieving and lost.  May it encourage us.  May we have good days along with the bad.

One Tough Day

Today has been a tough one for me and I am not sure why. Today has been a wave of sadness for me with very little ability to concentrate on things. I just haven’t had the energy to do anything despite a long to-do list.

Over the last few days, I have been busy with family, friends, our church, have completed some big projects, and have been taking over many things that my late husband did for us. I am figuring out how to carry on without him and that is still painful.

So, I cried a bit, yelled once or twice, and then decided I was going to take today until Ian got home from school to be sad. I guess I needed to wallow in my pain and misery. I needed to realize that there will be days when that is important to do.  And that it is okay to do just that.

Surprisingly it has helped. I watched “Bull” starring an actor that we both liked, the movie “The Book Club” which was quite funny, and Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life. The last is a favorite show of mine. I have probably seen every episode more than once so seeing these last four parts was comforting. Bull took my mind off things and The Book Club helped me laugh.

And, as I was watching these shows, I thought a lot about Kirk, when we met at our church, what he was wearing, how handsome I thought he was, and then how funny and kind he was to me, when he proposed, our wedding, our honeymoon adventures, our first house, when we found out we were expecting Ian, the day our son was born, and so much more.

I also thought about the little things in our life — our routine of me cooking dinner and him cleaning up, our partnership, a few shows that we loved to watch together like Nash Bridges, our regular pizza nights, taco nights, hugs on a Saturday morning, laughter, time with our friends and family, our never-ending pile of laundry, his cars, James Bond movies, travels, and talks.

Those memories are helping me through the pain of his loss. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for four months. I cannot believe that we have gotten up each day and have gone on without him. I am glad we have but it has been a challenge on some days like today.

I also realized how blessed I was to have had him as my partner for all of those years.  He was a great father to our son and a wonderful husband and best friend to me. We both believed that the Lord brought us together. He always did the best by us and for that I am forever thankful.

I still wish there was more time with him. I am mad that I didn’t get more. I am mad that I didn’t get to say a final goodbye, or that our son didn’t get that one last hug and word from his father who loved him so very much. I am mad that he won’t get to see Ian graduate from high school or grow up into a fine young man.

Thankfully I have faith and know that we will see Kirk again one day. Also, I believe that he is with us just in a different place. I simply want to look into his eyes again, hold his hands, and receive a wonderful hug. I still want to hear his laughter and smell his cologne that lingered on my clothing after a long hug. I want to see him interact with Ian and laugh with him.

To see these things, I now look at our pictures. We took tons of them which he often made silly faces for or complained about. I am so thankful that we did. There are so many slices of our life that I can remember because of those images and all of my senses.

Now, I need to go help Ian with some homework and focus on dinner and the plans for tomorrow. I hope that after a good night’s rest that I will be ready to get back to my ever-growing list of things to do. Along with this list, I will also take time as I need it.

My prayers for those also grieving. May you take the time to feel the way you need to as the waves of grief come to you. May you have fond memories of your loved ones and no regrets. May you know that they are at peace. Blessings to you.

The Grief Goes On…

Four months ago this week, we lost the man who I was privileged to call my husband.  In some ways, it seems like it has been longer than that. In others, it has moved ahead quickly with a big hole in our lives. And most of all, our lives will never be the same.

Yesterday, I read a blog about grief. The author shared that his father died on a Saturday morning, so that day of the week would never again be the same for him. That is how it has been for me each Monday since Kirk’s passing. This author also mentioned that after such a loss, you see things in terms of before and after the event. I have found that to be true.

I can hold it together for much of the week, but each Monday morning, I tend to relive what happened, often in bits and pieces. The health crisis that he was in, calling 911, watching the police officers do CPR prior to the firemen and paramedics getting to our house and then taking over, and working on him until they took him in an ambulance to the hospital.

My parents then arrived at our house and Ian woke up.  We all then went to the hospital hoping and praying that he would be okay.  When we arrived, they put us in a side room which would have had me concerned if I wasn’t in such shock.  A nurse, a doctor, and a family liaison then came in and told us that although his heart had restarted a few times, it didn’t stay pumping and that he had died.

We screamed and cried and were in deep shock. I couldn’t process this. How is it possible? How could this happen?  He should have woken up and been okay.  We just had laughed and talked the night before going to bed.  We had just had a great and Happy Thanksgiving weekend with our family and friends.  We had just been enjoying our life.

After receiving this shock, I went to see him.  It looked like my love but didn’t feel like him.  He was cold to the touch. That was such a bizarre feeling that I will never forget.   He was always warm when I held his hand or received a hug. I knew physically that he was gone but my brain couldn’t begin to process it.

I then went back to check on our son to see how he was doing.  Our pastor was there as well and that was a great comfort.  The pastor went with me the second time I went to see Kirk and prayed for him and for us.  I looked at him and willed him to wake up, I begged God to bring him back, but sadly, that was not to be.  For some reason that I don’t yet understand, it was his time to go.

I asked the nurse for his wedding band and she took it off his hand. I have been wearing it every day since. This brings me some comfort to have a part of something that was precious to him — us and our marriage and our life together.  That is so deeply precious to me as well.

After receiving the ring, I said goodbye and then went back to check on our son who was still in shock. My parents had started reaching out to our family and friends to give them the news. I was also still in shock. They suggested going to have breakfast so we left and I tried to eat. I couldn’t process answers to questions from my mom. I was numb and lost and so deeply sad. .

Now, I wish I had stayed longer with Kirk at the hospital, but all I could think of was to be with Ian and try to be strong for him and share in his grief and loss. I have asked Kirk to forgive me for leaving him when I did. I am finding comfort in knowing that he was already in Heaven and his body was simply a shell that I could say goodbye to.

We spent the rest of the day at our house.  My brother and sister also arrived from out-of-town. It was so good to see them and share our memories. Later someone went to get food from a favorite restaurant. As we were together, I was able to eat. We talked, we cried, and we shared good times we had just had with Kirk. We grieved together and all tried to support Ian.

One of Kirk’s brothers and wife came over later to see us. Many of his family lives out-of-town and they were all there for the memorial service. Seeing them that Monday meant the world to me. We were all shocked and saddened to lose this man who meant so much to us. We didn’t really know what to say but it was helpful to just be together.

That evening, Ian’s best friend and his mother came to see us, had made us a meal, and loaned us some DVDs. It was great to see them and especially nice for Ian. Since then, we regularly see them, go to the park, have meals and watch movies together. And, the boys play together, talk and laugh, which means the world to me.

That week we were also visited by other friends, neighbors, church members, and the pastor who performed our wedding and gave us such a special message as we started our life together. We also received text messages, notes on Facebook, emails, and phone calls. These loved ones prayed with us and shared stories with us.

We are so very fortunate to have such a great support system to help us through this. People cooked us food or delivered it from our favorite restaurants. Others gave us gift cards, sympathy cards, and Christmas cards. Our friends and family have gone above and beyond for us and we are so very thankful for that.

I was married to Kirk for 20 years. Last week, we visited clients that he had worked with long before he met me.  It was nice to share stories with them about him, to hear what he meant to them, and to cry together. It has rocked them as well as my family.

That week, I slept well at our hotel and that was great. It felt good to be busy and have some purpose. I have been floundering for a while. Still, there was time to share the grief and acknowledge that it is a part of our lives. We also prayed together and also were able to laugh. So life was going on as well as the grief.

All of us will be touched one day by the loss of a loved one. Sharing that with others makes that burden more bearable. When you have loved and lost, the grief does go on.  But so does life, so we try to have good times and find the positive things that we can enjoy. At times, I feel guilty that we are moving forward, but I have to realize that is what Kirk would want for us.  He always wanted the best for us and I cherish that.

One of the things Kirk would say with some laughter is that Heaven wasn’t ready for him and hell wouldn’t take him. That Monday in late November, Heaven was ready for him. Just we who loved him were not ready. As I said earlier in this piece, I still don’t know the reason but am trying to live with the new normal.

Our son has his entire life ahead of him so I want to share that with him and celebrate it. We remember and talk about his dad. I tell him stories of times with his dad throughout his young life. And we try to carry out the plans and ideas that he’d had for our family with some adjustments.

If you are grieving, I hope and pray that you have a support system, a faith, and the knowledge that you will be reunited with your loved one in the future. That is what I believe and it helps in the hardest of times. Blessings to you and yours.

Darkness and Light

This week in my grief journey, I have experienced both darkness and light.  At times, I have been very down and depressed and negative but I have also been happy, upbeat, and encouraged.

It is very strange to have such extremes nearly every day but that is how it is going for me.  I cannot speak for anyone else, only my journey and that with my son. We are doing the best we can and still have a long journey ahead of us.

At times I am overwhelmed with loss and sadness. I strongly feel the weight of the loss and it is hard to get past it. So, at those times, I wallow, cry, scream, or pray.  Or a combination. I then try to focus on the good in our lives and all the support we have.  Also, I am thankful that my love didn’t suffer when he left us.

Other times, I laugh at a memory, a favorite song, or a photo. My memory of him is long and wonderful. We were by no means a perfect couple but we had a good relationship that was ours. I am thankful every day for that and all of those wonderful years that I had with him. I am also so thankful we had a child.

I still must be in the denial phase since I cannot believe that he is gone. Now that some of the shock is wearing off, I am remembering problems and issues that we’d had and feeling some guilt. I wish I had done a few things differently. I wish I could do a few things over again. I have asked him for forgiveness and have said how much I loved him and still do.

Now, it is time realize that I need to forgive myself. I know that I loved him deeply and with all that I had as he did with me. We also loved our son and were good partners in raising him and teaching him what we wanted to. When I feel bad, I try to focus on that and it helps.

Our son and I often talk about his dad. I try not to overwhelm him with it but do mention funny things his dad did, or a favorite story about the two of them, or how much his dad loved him. We talk that his dad is still with us but in a different place. I know he misses him like I do. He is staying busy with school, homework, his reading and writing, and time with friends and family. And all of that is helping.

There are things to look forward to and I am thankful for those. But every once in a while, my fears creep in that something will happen to me. I keep praying and working to ensure our son and I are okay. Each day includes projects but also time to just be, to cry if needed, to laugh if I feel like it, and just to be present.

This week we went to the Ash Wednesday service at our church. Before that we had a dinner and there was time to visit some couples who I have known since I was a child. That part was great. But the hard part was the Bible verse that states we came from dust and will go back to dust. That hit me so hard since my love was cremated.

The thing I have to remember is that his body may be dust but his spirit and soul are not. I firmly believe that he is in Heaven and that makes me smile. I can imagine him there making friends, having chats, and making everyone laugh. If there are problems or things to repair, I can imagine him helping with that as well.

I can only imagine what his first time must have been like when he arrived. I wonder if he was surprised to be there since it was so sudden. I hope he was told that we are going to be okay and that he could visit some of his loved ones who passed before him. Last summer we watched the I Can Only Imagine movie. It touched all three of us. We cried and talking about it after watching it. I am so glad that we shared that time.

Another thing that hit me hard this week was the death of actor Luke Perry from a massive stroke. He was the same age as my love was when he died. It brought up all of the feelings of the suddenness and wishing I could have done more for him. So I cried a lot that day. I prayed a lot too. But I also spent extra time that day with our son on his homework, talking with him about his day, and being in the moment with him.

Finding the light in the darkness can be a challenge but it is there. I keep praying to continue to find it and move forward, but realize that it is a long process.  After all, when you have loved someone for so long, the feelings don’t just go away with them. There has to be time to heal and figure out a way to live with a different life than what we expected.

Throughout this experience, I have been thinking of my friends and family who have lost loved ones of their own — both before my loss and after. Before it happens, you have no idea how hard it is. You have no idea what someone is going through. Whether you know it is coming or unexpected, when that other person is gone, there is hurt and sorrow.

I think it has helped me have more empathy for others and their grief.  And more desire to want to reach out to those grieving. I try to reach out and pray for others and do my best to comfort them. It is not easy since I am still raw, but there is comfort in bearing one another’s burdens.

My prayer is that we may comfort one another in both the good times and the bad, pray for each other, laugh together, cry together, lift one another up, and be there to listen. I also hope and pray that we will always be loving to each other and treat one another with kindness. After all, we don’t always know how much someone is suffering.

On The Last 90 Days

It is amazing to think it has been three months / 90 days since my love passed away.  Each day since that happened  I have missed him so much. But, also each day, I try to remember our life together and our memories.

I carry on the best I can for myself and our son who I pray has a long life ahead of him. Some days are much harder than others. I had a very hard time getting settled for bed last night. As I have mentioned before, Monday’s are still the worst since that was the day of.

Not only am I wrestling with the loss, but I am also scared of something happening to me, or worrying about things that my love used to do that now fall to me, or having to be both parents for our son, or not being the friend or family member that I want to be to those who have reached out and helped us so much.

Our son and I do miss him. We also very much enjoy talking about him and laughing about our favorite stories and our family jokes. We also like looking at the photos.  Thankfully I took a ton of these throughout our life together. We cry and give each other  comfort.

Still the pain is real and raw.  After all, we had 20 years together. We were together or tried our best to talk every day. It didn’t always happen when he was on business trips, but we did try. We were privileged to have more than 7,300 days together.

As hard as it is right now, I wouldn’t trade that time with him for anything. The cost of true and real love is loss and pain when that love leaves. Those days enriched my life and blessed me in so many ways. I hope it did for him as well.

Last night, I listened to a voice mail from him that I didn’t remember that I had. It was only 14 seconds long but so very special. He had a lovely low voice and could have had a career on the radio or in voice over work. I miss that so very much.

I expected to grow old with him. I expected more time together. I expected one last conversation, but sadly that was not to be. For some reason that I still do not understand, the Lord had something else in mind. I don’t know when or if I ever will.

Right now, I am trying to focus on all the things that have to be taken care of in the aftermath of such a loss. I am figuring out my future, and the future for our son and myself. I have plenty to take care of since my love was the one did so much to help around the house. He was much neater than I was/am. He was the one who took care of the bills and repairs, and so much more.

So each day, I try to do something towards these goals and realize that I will get there. I do feel like I should be doing more but some days, I just want to cry and sit and think about my memories. So, I try to do that, then wipe the tears, and tackle the project, or read, or do some work, or help our son with homework, or watch a favorite program.

Just please do not tell me it is time to get over it. I am not ready since the pain of him no longer being here is still so fresh and raw. I still want to talk with him, feel a hug, share a kiss, laugh with him over a favorite movie, joke, or story. I still want to wake up next to him in the morning. I want to see him at his place on the couch or at the table.

I like to think that I didn’t take him for granted but I think that I did at times. One doesn’t expect a sudden loss like this. We expect instead that we will see each other the next time. We expect to take that vacation in a year and are excited about it. We expect to have a chance to say all that needs to be said.

Thankfully, we had a great few days with the three of us together before this happened.  We took pictures and we loved and laughed together. We didn’t have a knock down drag out fight, but instead had a disagreement that we then apologized for. That in itself is a huge blessing since I don’t have major guilt.

My hope and prayer is for all of us to cherish those we love, to tell one another how much we care and love them, to pray for our loved ones, and to realize that one day we will lose them. I pray that it isn’t devastating or debilitating for us. However, I have to say that there is some of that and it is part of the journey of grief and loss.

Whether we lose a spouse, a child, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a friend, a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, a co-worker, or other relation, it hurts and life is never the same. My prayer is that we savor and celebrate those relationships while we can. Let’s make the most of our time that we have together.

Let’s not hold grudges or hate inside. Let’s forgive instead. Let’s spend time together as much as we can. Let’s remember to say that we love that other person. Let’s also have those hard discussions on how to run the household and pay the bills and take care of each other.

Let’s discuss the end of life wishes that our loved ones have and that we have. And when we do suffer the loss, let’s remember our loved one fondly. Let’s keep them alive with photos, stories, and memories. Let’s be thankful for the time we had with them. And, let’s always, always love.

To those in our life who have reached out and helped, thank you. Thank you for being there when we have needed it the most. Thanks for your love and support. We love you so very much and truly appreciate you.

On loss and Valentine’s Day

I Still Wonder – Patti Cates / Art created by Ian

Tomorrow is February 14 — Valentine’s Day. A day to celebrate love, your partner, and to do something special. A day that is special for lovers and for those in love. I hope that those in love enjoy the day and the time be together.

This time is so very special and is often taken for granted. My hope and prayer for all those who have a Valentine is to appreciate one another and to be thankful for one another. Also, please celebrate one another on more than just Valentine’s Day. After all, each day together is precious and you never know when one of you will no longer be there.

For those without a spouse, significant other, boyfriend or girlfriend, I hope you know and remember that you are loved and special. Please don’t be depressed about this day but instead do something special for yourself. This can be done by celebrating with your friends and your family. That is what I will be doing.

This year, I am very thankful that Kirk and I didn’t make Valentine’s Day the ultimate in romantic days for us. If we had, it would be an extremely painful day for me. He did not like the idea of just one day to be romantic or to send one another a special card or go out. He also didn’t like how everything costs more on Valentine’s Day than other days.  Neither did I.

We celebrated each other just because. He would give me flowers just because. We would go out to eat at a favorite restaurant just because. We would listen to a special song just because. We did exchange cards and used a few more than once for Valentine’s Day.

We both liked the Love Chapter from the Bible. It was very precious to us and we had it read at our wedding. I asked for it to be read again at Kirk’s memorial service and I cried as it was read. This is what love should be.  We were by no means perfect and did have our issues. But as I have said before, there was always love.

” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” — 1st Corinthians 13:4-8.

Some upcoming days will be harder than tomorrow will be for me. These include: the day we met, when he proposed, his birthday, the day we got married, when Ian was born, special summer vacation times, and our holidays with our own traditions. I still miss him each day and cannot believe he is gone. Some days are better than others and others include real pain. I have a feeling it will be that way for a while.

No matter if you have someone special in your life or not, I hope you have a good and Happy Valentine’s Day! Blessings to you and yours.

A few quotes about Valentine’s Day and love:

  • “Oh! if it be to choose and call thee mine, Love, thou art every day my Valentine.”
    ~ Thomas Hood
  • “Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.” ~ Author Unknown
  • “I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.” ~ Author Unknown
  • “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.” ~ Robert Fulghum
  • “Grow old with me! The best is yet to be. ~ Robert Browning
  • “True love stories never have endings.” ~ Richard Bach

Throwback Thursday – Last Summer’s Vacation and Blog

Hi and Happy Throwback Thursday. I thought it would be fun to write about the beach on this day when it so cold in much of the country. Last summer I wrote about not having a beach body for our family vacation to San Diego. You can find the link here: https://patticates247.wordpress.com/2018/06/28/beach-body-not-this-year/

Turns out I am so glad that I enjoyed myself and that we took lots of pictures — both with makeup on and without.  Little did I know then that this would be the last time the three of us would have a beach vacation together.

I cherished it as I always do when going to this favorite beach location.  I have been going my entire life so there are memories of many loved ones. Sadly, we have lost quite of a few of these precious loved ones. I keep them alive in my thoughts, memories, photos, and discussions with friends and family.

We had several meals out with other family and a few for just us.  We laughed, we talked, and we so enjoyed each other’s company.  We went to Legoland with my dad and had a blast.  Ian then worked on a special Lego build and loved it. Kirk watched Ian play chess with Cody at the beach.  We had fun getting our feet wet in the surf and had lots of walks along the sand.

We also had the pleasure of watching Ian learn to ride a bike and Kirk and my dad rode along with him.  I have photos and video of that.  We enjoyed meals at the front porch table with my mom, siblings, and other family, sunsets, singing and time with family, special friends, lots of hugs and laughs, and precious time together.  All of this time is now bittersweet and something that I am so glad that we did.

I didn’t like how I looked in every picture but you know what, I cannot imagine not having pictures of me with my two best guys.  So when I am sad and missing my love like crazy, I can pull out these photos and be comforted by this special time we had together.

During the summer, we also celebrated Kirk’s birthday, his dad’s birthday, other relative’s birthdays, and it was the summer of Harry Potter when Ian discovered these wonderful books.  I too enjoyed them very much.

We also enjoyed catching up with old friends who we hadn’t seen for years, seeing the birth of a new family member, shopping trips, new books, long walks, times to swim, cookouts, and fireworks.  We worked and had adventures with new families and students.  We also enjoyed a few special movies together, such as I Can Only Imagine.

We had a busy summer.  I will cherish it always.  The three of us loved each other so very much.  We two who are left truly miss our loved one.  Things are not the same without him but we try each day to carry on.  We encourage you to spend special time with your loved ones, take that vacation, and enjoy and savor every minute you share.  After all, we never know when life will totally change.

On walls, shutdowns, and emergencies

(Note: Since my husband’s passing in late November, I haven’t been inclined to write. However, the current state of what is going on led me to write this blog. I am very troubled by the lack of willingness to work together by our elected officials. I know some may disagree with me, but I wanted to share some things to consider. Photos from Power Point clip art.)

I can think of several things that qualify for an emergency more than a wall. First, I do know that improved border security is needed and important. However, I am not sure if just a physical structure is the best way to go. Clearly some places need this structure. But, what about more officers, more immigration staff patrolling the border, more dogs, more technology, drones, and other things? And, what about working with these other governments and embassies to let them know we cannot receive them like this? Let’s work with them to ensure their safety in their own country so they won’t have to leave.

And, what about for example through the Rio Grande? Are property owners on that water to lose the view or should a wall be built in the middle of the water? Also, why is it only the southern border? Is that the only place that illegals are coming in? I think not. I know from personal experience that people come in via the ocean, land on the beach, and run. And, people and drugs come in via airplanes as well. Nothing from Canada?

The city of Flint, Michigan still isn’t with safe water and that to me is criminal. Families are sick and shouldn’t be. We still have children who are not with their parents who have tried to seek asylum in America. Why can’t the families be kept together? We still have school shootings where many kids are being killed and others are being scared of going. And churches sometimes no longer feel safe.

We have kids, men and women who are abused or are in sex trafficking and what are we doing? We also have a major opioid crisis and little is being done about it. We have violence, hate and discrimination that need to go away. And, we have children who are starving. We have teachers who have to use their own money to supplement what is used in their classrooms. We have police officers who are under appreciated and being killed for keeping us safe. We have people in disaster zones like Puerto Rico who still don’t have their lives back to normal.

On top of all of this is the government being shut down. Not only are people not getting paid, many are forced to work without pay while others have to stay home. They are supposed to be paid after this is settled, but who knows when that will be? I worked as a government contractor for years and am not yet sure how they will be affected with all of this. And, during this, the President and Members of Congress are getting paid. The very people causing the problem are still getting to continue with life as usual. That is so not right or fair.

And now we are seeing the impacts of things being shut down. We are seeing how gross some people are by not picking up after themselves at national parks or by destroying them. These are our national treasures that we should take care of. Let’s leave things better than we found them and help out by cleaning up and being careful. And people are having to wait in three-hour lines to board a flight for business or vacation.

I long for the days when people such as Senator John McCain and Senator Ted Kennedy were alive since they argued strongly against one another, but found a way to compromise. And they were friends. You knew that despite the work involved, the hard hours, the disagreements, and the not quite getting what they wanted, they still worked together until it was done.

Now, all we hear is that the other side is the enemy and that they are useless, or stupid, or have no ideas. And the idea of compromise has become a bad one and only used by weak people – or at least that is what some people say. People, grow up, put on your big pants, and talk to each other. Our citizens are suffering. Our citizens need you to represent them and take care of them. Our citizens need to get their lives back to normal.

The irony is that the very thing being fought for is causing danger to our citizens. That to me makes no sense at all. The TSA and Pilots Union have already said there is danger in not having a full paid staff and yet no one blinks. The FDA cannot inspect food as they often do and no one blinks. The food stamps program and many other programs will run out of money in February and no one blinks. How bad does it have to get before our “leaders” care enough to make changes and all come to the table?

We need to pull together as the great country we have always been. Now, I am not so sure. I am so disappointed with all of our leaders in digging in their heals since they all think they are right. By being that stubborn, millions of Americans are suffering and will continue to do so.

I am sick of tired of each side complaining about the other. I am sick of my friends who keep posting crap about the other side as well. And, I have stopped reading a lot of that and/or responding. I just can’t do it anymore since even they don’t want to listen to another argument.

I think we all need to come together and learn to respect our differences again. We are not all the same and shouldn’t be. And we all have something to offer, if only the others would listen.

Our Hardest Weeks

Over the past few weeks, my son and I have been trying to deal with the passing of my husband. It was sudden and unexpected but just how he would have wanted it just not for at least 20 years or more. (picture from Power Point clip art)

Since I am a writer, I realized that I needed to take some time and write down my feelings in order to start dealing with them. In the first week, I was up in the middle of the night for several nights in a row. During that time, I have been thinking of what I wanted to say. So here goes.

These have been the hardest several weeks for me and for our son but they have not been hard for my loving and sweet husband. He is in glory and there is comfort in that. My family and friends have also been an amazing comfort. So many people have reached out and have come through for us and we really and truly appreciate that.

But for me it hurts like hell. Parts of the day I am okay since he traveled a lot. I don’t think it has all sunk in yet. Other parts when it hits me that he is never coming back as we knew him, I want to scream. And, in fact, one of my friends whose husband died two years ago told me to do so. She said to wail when you need to. So recently while in the shower I did. I will again.

A few friends have mentioned that they are amazed at my strength. I feel I have to be strong right now for our son. There are times when I am strong but there are also times when I am very weak and ready to fall apart. So, I am taking it one day at a time, and sometimes, one hour at a time and even minutes at a time. And I am crying in front of our son and he is too. We are in this together.

The first week, my brain was in a fog and it was hard to do the normal things. I kept making mistakes and forgetting things or staring at someone. That is the pain and grief and perhaps a coping mechanism. I have worked as an editor so it is odd to not see mistakes that I could always see. It is frustrating but you know what, I don’t care right now.

I have several friends who have also lost their husbands. They have reached out to me. A few of them had a sudden loss, others have dealt with a longer term situation. No matter how the loss happens, it hurts so much. Some have younger children and others have children who are grown adults. No matter the time in life, it is still very hard to lose your soul mate and life partner.

With all of the pain we are going through, we are clinging to our faith in Jesus. That is a great comfort, as are our family, friends, church, school, neighborhood, and community. Imagining Kirk walking the streets of Heaven and making new friends makes me smile with tears in my eyes. There are so many who I imagine he is chatting with. That helps on the worst days.

My husband and I had talked about our plans and what he wanted when he died. He took care of us and did all he could so we would be okay. I will do my best to honor his legacy. Still, I am bumbling through all of the paperwork and things that have to be taken care of and people who have to be notified.

We had a celebration of life that was attended by both family and friends. We all cried and laughed as we remembered my dear sweet love. The outpouring from our loved ones has been amazing and has helped sustain us and helped us carry on. They say it takes a village, and that seems to especially be true in times of great loss and grief.

My advice is to talk with your loved ones about all of this hard stuff, arrangements, words for an obituary, your finances, and names of your relatives. It is just so hard to do immediately after the loss. Be sure that you both know what the other wants, and how and where to find the important papers.

There is a song that Tim McGraw sings that says to live like you are dying. I don’t like those exact words but he is onto something. I have learned the hard way how important it is to savor each moment with our loved ones and not take them for granted. We do often do that and get stuck in our own little ruts. My husband and I did that as well.

We had a great life together but it was by no means perfect. We would argue and annoy each other and sometimes fight, but we would make up. We made a point to do that. I cannot tell you how much of a blessing that is to me right now. And, with it all was love. I know he loved us and he knew we loved him.

We met when we were both a bit older than many people who get married and we knew it was right from the start. We had a wonderful 20 years together and a sweet son. Still, I want more. The fact he wasn’t here for any of December hit me last night and hurt again. I feel that I should have done more for him at the end but did all that I could.

I don’t like thinking of him in the past tense. I remember how vibrant and full of life he was. He lived his life full of love and laughter and also worked hard. We had our inside jokes and traditions that I want to keep alive for our son. We had annoyances with one another as all couples do. We complemented each other with our skills and abilities and we supported each other. We also had such a rich and treasured history that I will cherish and tell our son about when the time is right.

There are many of us who are grieving. My husband was also a father, a brother, a son, an in-law, a nephew, an uncle, a cousin, a friend, and a teacher and friend to his students. The people who had these relationship with him are also grieving and in shock.

Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking of a song “I Can Only Imagine,” that brought me to tears before all of this happened. This summer, the three of us watched the movie of the same name. We all cried and hugged one another. What a memory. It is one I will cherish for a long time.

Amazingly, now my love is experiencing all of this. After I cry some ugly tears, I try to imagine what he did when he arrived in Heaven. I then smile and cry some more. My love, you are missed and loved.

I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me (most of the words)

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk, by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When you face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by You glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
When I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I would do is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine