Monday is the 26th of August. It is a day that I think is going to be tough for me. You see, it is the first 26th of a month on a Monday since the month that my husband passed away. I looked it up in the calendar and have to say, it is an odd thing to discover. Then again, these days, there is a lot of that.
The day he passed away is one that I will never forget but is a bit fuzzy in a few places. I was in such shock that a lot didn’t register. But that date and day of the week will continue to stick with me, as I am sure it does for everyone who loses a loved one.
For most of the week, I am pretty good and can concentrate on the positives that I still have in my life. But, Mondays are always the hardest since that was the day that he died. I often think over the events of that terrible morning and am saddened.
This Monday, I had lunch out with some of Kirk’s family. It was wonderful to visit and catch up and talk about him for a little while. His loss has been hard on all of us. We all have funny stories about him and enjoy sharing them. And we also share the tears. They will always be family for myself and for Ian.
This coming Monday, I will need to find some things to keep my mind busy and occupied. I don’t want to over think it or think too much about it, and yet, I just might. And, today, in anticipation of it, I am feeling like I just want to sit and be sad, watch a movie, and think about Kirk.
However, I cannot spend all day doing that. I need to work, have a few commitments, and Ian will be home this afternoon for the weekend with homework to focus on. Also, we have books to return to the library and a video as well, and we may eat out at a favorite restaurant.
I will have some down time though since that is important. Some days I feel like I am not doing enough. I am still working out things from his loss, still have things that I fail at, still have a house that isn’t quite up to Kirk’s standards, and some days am quite distracted from the responsibilities.
Overall though, I feel good about what I have been doing and how things are progressing. I am not perfect and am only one person. I am not nearly as driven as he was but am trying to stay motivated. And, I also know that I need time for myself and time to rest. I just have to remind myself that is okay.
This week, I watched an interview of Stephen Colbert by Anderson Cooper. They talked about both having lost their fathers when they were boys. It was interesting that both of them were about Ian’s age. It was touching to hear both men talk about how this event shaped their lives. They also said how important it is to hear from others who are also grieving and share that experience. They added that we all will grieve at some point in our lives.
I know a lot of people don’t like either of them, but I was touched to hear this conversation. They didn’t have to discuss it, yet, it was on both of their minds. Cooper said that many people don’t discuss grief and don’t often know how to approach it with those who have known loss. His mother recently passed away so it is fresh to him.
He said it has helped hearing from others who have also suffered loss. I agree and very much appreciate all of the friends and family who have shared their losses with me. Many of us are on this journey of rebuilding our lives after a loss.
Despite all of the pain and loss that we have, we also have many blessings. It is a blessing to be able to work at home and be here when Ian gets home from school. I like being able to help him with his homework.
Our family and friends are also blessings. We enjoy spending time with them, but still need time to ourselves. I appreciate the loved ones who have reached out to us and continue to support us. If I haven’t been the best friend or relative, I apologize. Some days, it is all I can do to get dressed and take Ian to school.
Today I am thankful for:
- Ian taking the last dose of his antibiotic this evening. He has had an ear infection and will be able to eat more normally tomorrow. We are happy and he knows exactly what he wants.
- Times with my family laughing, talking, sharing a meal, and a prayer circle.
- Dining out and long conversations with friends.
- Buying a Monopoly game about my hometown this morning. I look forward to playing this with family and may give it as a gift to a few loved ones.
- Our routine that we are slowly getting back into.
- Books and our local library. I enjoy the adventures of someone else’s life and the distraction from my own thoughts.
- Pictures of me with my two best guys that we have around the house.
- Ian and I laughing over a funny expression, a funny face, being tickled, or a favorite joke.
- Having had 20 amazing years with a man who loved me unconditionally and who I loved the same way. He was and continues to be such a blessing.
For those of you grieving, I hope you have people to support you through the tough times and to share the happy ones. I also hope that you have a faith to help you through it all.
Blessings to you and yours for a great weekend! May you have time to be refreshed if that is what you need. May you enjoy the company of others if that is what you need. May you wallow for a while if that is what is needed. And may you always, always love!