This week I am finding comfort in a variety of ways and that is helping very much. I have been walking in the mornings, reading, eating more healthy meals, talking about Kirk and sharing memories with loved ones.
I have also smiled at some of our jokes and funny moments we had with him. And, yet, there is still sadness and a huge hole where he should be. I talk regularly about Kirk with our son and he enjoys talking about his dad. We look at pictures and we remember.
I went to the library yesterday and checked out a few books on grief. One of them is “Comfort: A Journey Through Grief” by Ann Hood. It is very well written and a lot of good information and is exactly what I needed this week. Her daughter died suddenly in 2002. Her daughter Grace was 5-years-old.
Ann Hood explains that grief is not linear and has no beginning, middle, and end. She gets it. I never did until going through it. I never understood the pain of a close loss until now and I am learning a lot.
“Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. ” Hood’s book states. “They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, a middle, and an end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed.
“One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You maybe even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet,” she continues.
“Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren’t. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures, or a diet,” Hood states in her book.
I got tears in my eyes as I read this but I also was comforted that someone else has been exactly where I am. Someone else lost a loved one who was dear to them and they survived. What amazing comfort that we will also survive.
We have received so much support from our friends and our family. We so appreciate that. That support is special, it is important, and it helps keep us going. I have several friends and family who are also grieving. We are in pain together and can appreciate where others are coming from. And we can give comfort to each other.
Another comforting statement that I heard recently was said by Joe Biden. He said that as you move through grief, eventually a smile will come to your face before a tear when you remember the loved one that you lost. I am not there yet and often have both reactions.
Sadly he knows too much about grief — having lost his first wife and their daughter many years ago and his son Beau more recently. Dealing with some of that is covered in his book, “Promise Me, Dad.” Whether you agree with him or not, it is quite a read for someone who has also been there in grief and has found comfort.
Ian and I talked about this concept last night and he said he is having happy memories about his dad. We both cheered and had huge smiles on our faces when we realized that Kirk will never again be sick or in pain. What a comfort that was and is again today.
My comforts this week have been:
- Spending time with family and friends for graduation celebrations and a birthday party
- Helping Ian with an art project that is due this week
- Singing a song at church without completely losing it
- Listening to the birds in the morning during my walks
- Enjoying the sunrises on the way to school in the morning
- Hugs at night from Ian
- Prayers before meals with loved ones
- Talks and laughs over a delicious meal
- Hugs and clumping with my family
- Long chats and visits
- The winding down of the school year
- The anticipation of summer and our plans
- My faith and prayers
We continue to have good days and bad days, hard hours and deep sadness. But we are also having fun, are laughing, are cherishing our memories, and are thankful that we have each other as we heal. My prayer is that you have loved ones to help you through grief and hard times.
May we find comfort in one another. May we be there to help each other. And, may we always, always, always love.